


A heavy heart to carry

by Skoll



Series: Pacific Rim Avengers AU [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Avengers Family, Canon Typical Violence, Copilot feels, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, The Avengers as Jaeger pilots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 15:51:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skoll/pseuds/Skoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the Kaijus getting stronger, more and more Jaegers falling every day, and funding for the Jaeger program all but drying up, the end for humanity is starting to look pretty nigh, in Tony's opinion.  As humanity starts mounting its last defense, good Jaeger pilots are in high demand; yet Tony, whose kill record in the simulators is still unparalleled, is still kept grounded by his Drift incompatibility.  It's frustrating, but what can you do, right?</p><p>Then Fury brings in Loki Laufeyson as his latest Jaeger pilot candidate, and absolutely everything changes.</p><p>(Or: Finally, the promised continuation of my Frostiron Pacific Rim AU!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A heavy heart to carry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neonapologist](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=neonapologist).



> Hey everybody. Welcome to the continuation of my Pacific Rim AU that I promised to write...nearly six months ago? 
> 
> This first chapter goes out to neonapologist over on tumblr, who won 1000 words of fic from me on my writing giveaway when I hit 100 followers, and requested more of this AU. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you, but better late than never?
> 
> As usual, the title of this story is a line from a Florence + The Machine song; this time it's Heavy in Your Arms.
> 
> That said, I hope everyone enjoys. *grins*

The Shatterdome infirmary at night is—well, it's basically like any other infirmary Tony's ever been in in his life: impersonal, filled with entirely too many shifting bodies and softly beeping machines to be considered quiet, and smelling strongly of industrial grade cleaners. Logically speaking, there's no reason why it should suddenly seem different than it has every other time Tony's been in here. Still, it _does_ ; compared to the bustle of bodies and motion that goes on in day time, the stillness of the infirmary at night time lends the place a solemn air, and even Tony hesitates to disturb it.

For once in his life, Tony actively tries not to draw attention to himself, as he quietly makes his way towards Sif's curtained-off bed.

It's easy enough to find her—this section of the infirmary, the one for people recovering from lasting but non-critical wounds, has been getting emptier and emptier recently. These days, when a mission goes wrong, rangers don't typically come home with just a broken arm or leg; most of the time, actually, they don't come home at all. Sif and Thor were lucky as hell, in that respect.

Tony draws back the curtain around Sif's bed when he reaches it. All he means to do is take a quick peek in and leave—he just needs to see for himself that Sif is still breathing, and then get back to his work so he can finally sleep. It comes as a surprise, then, to see Sif already awake and sitting up in her bed; her eyes flick to Tony's at the soft sound of the curtain opening, and the first thing she says to him is, “Thor?”

_That_ , at least, comes as no surprise at all. “Thor's going to be alright,” Tony says, glad to be the bearer of good news for once. Sif visibly relaxes at that, losing enough tension that her whole body seems to slump towards the bed; the fingers of her uninjured arm release the death grip they had on her blankets. Tony understands her relief—even the thought of losing someone you've Drifted with is...well. Terrible, in a word. 

Tony swallows around the sudden, tight feeling in his throat, pushing his own memories aside. He's here for Sif, not to wallow in his personal traumas. Pushing cheer into his tone, Tony continues, “He's still under observation by the doctors, but he shouldn't come out of this with anything worse than some facial scarring and a few days worth of dizziness.” Of the two of them, Sif, with her broken right arm, will actually take the longest to heal—Thor's incredible luck is still holding steady, and for all that the head wound bled like crazy, it apparently wasn't that deep. 

“Thank you,” Sif says, quietly but with profound relief in her voice. 

“For bringing you the news?” Tony asks, and shrugs. “I'm pretty sure a doctor would've already been in to tell you, if it wasn't three in the morning. All I did was ignore normal visiting hours.” 

Sif shakes her head, and her expression is very sincere as she meets and holds Tony's gaze. “I meant, thank you for insisting on making those changes to our Jaeger's plating. If you hadn't, Thor and I would probably both be dead by now.” 

Tony's already seen the news coverage of the battle, and so he knows full well just how close a call this last fight was. Hound, the kaiju they brought down today, was a category four, a big, hulking thing with razor sharp claws. Sif and Thor have brought down category fours together before, though; no one expected this would finally be the battle that brought them down. So, when Hound used some sort of chemical sac on its own body as a bomb, spraying their Jaeger with fluids that crippled the small workings of its joints and sent the huge machine toppling towards the ground, a rapt audience of thousands watched in horror as one of the strongest of their Jaegers fell. Thankfully, Tony's new alloy plating held up against the chemical spray, and gave Sif and Thor enough protection to survive the kaiju's assault until Clint and Natasha could bring the kaiju down. 

Close call doesn't even begin to cover it. If Clint and Natasha had been just a little slower, if the plating hadn't held, if even one of a million tiny things had gone wrong, Sif and Thor wouldn't still be breathing right now. 

They came close, today—hell, more than close.

Tony shakes his head, and says, “I just wish I could have done more.” Normally, Tony wouldn't ever admit that sort of thing—he's Tony Stark, all right, emotional honesty is almost never in his playbook—but tonight, well. It's three in the morning, and Tony is tired in the sort of way that takes years of stress and insomnia to build—and today, two of his friends, rangers he's known for years, nearly died. Right now, Tony doesn't think he's got the energy for any sort of bravado. Tony twists his fingers together, an absent, nervous sort of gesture, and says, “The kaiju are getting stronger, learning new tricks, and I can't always predict them well enough to keep my jaegers safe.”

“Today you did,” Sif says. 

_Barely_ , Tony wants to say, but Sif already knows that, and saying it won't do anything but remind her of today's mess. Instead, he scrubs one hand over his face, beard rubbing rough against his palm—and when was the last time he found time to shave? He doesn't remember any more—and looks away.

“Hey,” Sif says, and her tone has changed from grateful to commanding, “look at me, Tony.” He obeys, because what the hell else is he supposed to do, and when he meets her eyes, her gaze is focused and sharp. This is Sif the ranger, then, not just his friend—this is what Sif looks like when she's about to go to war, trusting her own strength to hold out against monsters. “Yes,” she says, and Tony almost can't help listening raptly now, “today was tough. Every single time we go out there, it's getting harder. The Kaiju are getting stronger and faster, and they're doing it quicker than we can catch up to them. And no one wants to talk about it, but, yes, we're going to lose if it keeps up like this.”

The words ring in Tony's ears, because, fuck, Sif is right. They don't talk about this. No one talks about this—or at least, no one talks about it outside of whispers in the dark, given in confidence, and even then everyone knows it won't be acknowledged in the light of day. 

Humanity is losing, and fast, and that's—

Tony swallows, and cannot look away from the intensity of Sif's gaze. “If you wanted to terrify me,” he says, more lightheartedly than he's feeling, “it's working.”

“That's not my point,” Sif says, though she lets him hear the fear in her voice too, just for a second. “My point is, every single battle we fight is an uphill one, now. Every single time we go out to fight a Kaiju, we're faced with the fact that they are getting bigger and stronger than we are, that they are learning new tricks we can't anticipate, and that today might be the day we die after all. Today might be the day we watch our copilots die. And, worse, that if we fail, today might be the day the whole world burns, and it will be our fault.”

“Sif,” Tony cuts in, because he doesn't like the tightness in her voice. He knew she had to be carrying something like this—he knew all the rangers must, because Tony Stark's a lot of things but an idiot isn't one of them—but she's never told him about this before. No ranger has ever said this to Tony. He understands, of course—he's felt that fear, and he feels it every time a ranger goes out to fight and he's stuck impotent in the Shatterdome, forced to watch rather than fight because of his Drift incompatibility—but this. This seems like Sif's gone off somewhere dark inside her own head, and Tony wants her back from there. “Hey. You know there's no one at fault but the Kaiju.”

Sif throws him a hard look at that, but after a moment she says, almost grudgingly, “Maybe, but please just let me finish.” She waits for just a second, exactly as much time as it takes for Tony to nod in agreement, before she takes up the speech Tony interrupted once more. “What I meant to say was that it was your work that kept today from being that day for Thor and I. Even if all you did was save us for this one day, Tony, that one day means everything to us. Don't throw away that accomplishment, or beat yourself up over not doing _better_ somehow.” Finally, a small smile crosses Sif's lips. It isn't her full smile, not the one she tends to get when Thor's a solid wall at her side and the rest of her fellow copilots are laughing at some terrible joke he's made, but it's something, and Tony's glad to see it. “Today you saved us, Tony, and that's no small thing. Thank you.”

Tony's throat feels tight, and even he can't explain why those words hit him so hard, but when he speaks next he nearly rasps out the words. “You're welcome.” His hand comes up again, to rub over his tired eyes, and Tony finds himself saying the words a second time. “You're welcome.”

And there, that's what Tony needed out of this visit—the cathartic, bone deep realization that Sif and Thor really are alive, that Tony _did_ save them. He knew, before this moment, of course he did, but somehow it didn't feel real. It felt as though, if Tony fell asleep, he might wake up on the couch in his workshop and find the sirens blaring out again, find that Sif and Thor were still trapped out there, dying, and he'd only dreamed that they'd been saved. Now, though, now it feels real; now Tony _knows_ they're going to be alright.

He lets out a deep, slow breath, and smiles back at Sif a little helplessly. Maybe now he'll finally be able to sleep. “And thank you,” he says, because Sif has always been very good at knowing what people need to hear, and he appreciates the hell out of that skill right now. Sif, bless her fierce, fantastic heart, just smiles back, and doesn't ask Tony to explain what on earth he's talking about.

All of a sudden, Tony is deeply aware of the fact that it's three in the morning, and neither he nor Sif seem to have gotten any sleep all night. Actually, fuck, other than Tony's interrupted nap earlier today, he doesn't think he's slept at all in at least seventy hours. “I should probably let you get some sleep,” Tony says, and steps back slightly towards the curtain.

“One more thing, before you go?” Sif asks, and Tony comes to a stop. She looks intently at his face until Tony nods his assent, and then her eyes flick downwards, suddenly hesitant. “I'm...going to be out of commission for a little while. My right arm's broken, and my leg—well. After what the kaiju did to our Jaeger, my body thinks my leg is damaged, even though the damned thing never touched it. I'll be in physical therapy for a long time before they let me back in a Jaeger.” There's something pained in Sif's expression when she looks back up, though her voice is very calm. “Thor's going to be fighting fit in a week or so at most, and it will take me months. I know he's going to have to find another copilot, until I'm healed enough to fight again.”

Tony can see where this is going. “I'll do my best to make sure he gets a good one,” Tony promises, and the smile Sif gives him in return is grateful, if a little sad.

“Thanks,” she says. “If I'm allowed to do my physio on base, I'll look out for him too, but if I get shipped off to some doctor inland—”

While Tony is fairly certain Fury would rather fly a physical therapist into the Shatterdome than force Sif and Thor apart, he isn't sure enough to make her any promises. Instead he interrupts gently with, “Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Stop panicking and get some sleep.”

Sif nods at him. “Thanks again, Tony.”

Tony shakes his head, and huffs out an amused breath. “Stop thanking me already, or we'll be stuck here all night,” he says, lightly, and turns for the curtain.

He leaves to the sound of Sif's laughter—quiet, yes, but genuine—and it helps, somehow. Sif lived, Thor lived, another Kaiju bit the dust, and the world didn't end today. Tony can take that for what it's worth, and maybe even sleep well tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far and enjoyed, I'd absolutely love to hear from you. Comments from my readers make my day, and feedback helps me improve as a writer. As usual, you can either contact me by leaving a comment on this site, or on my tumblr: http://skollwolf.tumblr.com/
> 
> As I'm just coming off a writing hiatus, I'm not going to start up a regular update day just yet. Eventually, though, I hope to have a regular weekly or biweekly day where this fic will update. Until then, I'll be publishing chapters as I finish them.
> 
> Next chapter: Loki makes his first appearance!


End file.
